Friday 21 December 2012

Apocalypse Planning: Level Genius


Now -that's- how it's done!


Seriously though... They'd just walk through the gaps on the sides... Even brain dead Zombies would realise..... Or would they.....

Energy? The treadmills would be solar powered. DUUHH!!

Monday 17 December 2012

The Walking Dead Escape Experience: San Diego

If you haven't seen the video posted by http://www.insidethemagic.net/ then you can find it HERE. It gives you a really good run through. I just thought I'd share some opinions on the experience!




   I love The Walking Dead. I'm tied between flicking through the depths of Youtube and beating one out all day because all I can think about is the next episode, which just happens to be the mid-season finale. It is rare for me to praise... Well... Anything... But I really like what The Walking Dead has done for the genre. Sure, it still has the usual limitations... Let's find a place to hold up. Oh no the Zombies got in... Let's go live on a farm. Oh no the Zombies turned up... Let's go live on an island. Fuck me Zombies can swim... And the wheels on the bus go round and round.
   What I like about The Walking Dead is it's move away from the other tradition aspects of the genre. The focus is on the people and the relationships between them despite the constant threat of becoming NOMNOMNOM material. The survivors that we, as an audience, have become used to, aren't exactly ripping with character and sub-plot. Bland springs to mind. But enough about The Walking Dead. I'll cover the episodes and perhaps the comics elsewhere. We're focused on the run.

   If you hadn't noticed already, I'm fairly bad at pulling out the good. It's so much easier to claw it apart, thrust the bloated dangling bits in your face before skipping off on my merry way... So why change a winning strategy?

  On what I highlighted above The Walking Dead, I  felt this run lacking. I feel they should have integrated staff into the groups. For example, when it all kicks off at the start with the Zombies attacking, have it happen to people who queued up with the group. There's nothing worse than seeing that guy who was reminiscing to you about his trip to Disney Land getting chomped on in the first two minutes of your run. Then he gets up and chases you. Hot. Introduce characters. Everyone loves a "Samuel. L. I'm getting you motherfuckin' out of here. Jackson." before he gets closed on and eaten. The Walking Dead is more about those around you than those trying to eat  you. I think they could've done more with that on the run.

   Then we come to the obstacles. There were some I thought were very good. The blockades, for example, and the fences. But then there's the bit with the cargo netting and the wooden ladders. What carpenter said to himself, "Oh fuck, one Zombie. I know, I'll build a Viking Trireme to pass him! The environment, the stadium, etc. on the whole was fantastically realistic and that's what is needed in Zombie films. You always hear fan-boys bang on about the realism before some dickface comes along and says "It's a Zombie film and you expect realism lol lol I was molested as a child so I troll comments on Youtube". Fact is, all horror films, work on the suspension of disbelief. If you don't think it could be real, it's not scary. In that, we are all part of the act.
   They should have done more with some of the settings. The guy holding up people, letting them out one at a time, brilliant. It's a good tool to break up the groups into smaller people but I thought it was ill timed. Everything had just kicked off behind them with biters biting then the crowd was just milling and chilling. The use of interior, darkness and more open spaces. Think sandbox game. Unleash everyone inside the stadium, give them a map of the "safe areas" (which happily get overrun) and let them go about their business. There needs to be more tension, not just OBSTACLE A TO OBSTACLE B LOL GUYS TAKE 5.

  Which leads me to my next point and my infinite depths of understanding. This run was situated opposite, well, what is Comic Con. I may be a nerd, but I am a nerd with a body crafted in the spirit of Hercules. Unfortunately, other keyboard warriors do not have the same benefit. That is why there is the need for the constant stops.

   I bang on and on about how important the characters are in The Walking Dead and how the Zombies are just circumstance. So let's look at the Zombies. They could've been much better. The use of gore, particularly limbs, was excellent but the actual Zombies I felt were lacking in both make-up and they weren't nearly hungry(bro) enough.
   I guess this is the problem when catering to Comic Con nerds. You have to let those fish go when you catch them!

 
 

Sunday 7 October 2012

Why do Zombies never finish a meal?

Why do Zombies never finish a meal if they're so hungry(bro)?
*Submitted by Mr K

   I'm not ashamed to admit that I giggled like a randy school girl when I heard this one; it's something I've never actually thought about in depth before. It is true though - think of every Zombie film you've ever seen and the massive horde that descend upon that poor (see: stupid) survivor always manage to leave them intact so that they are recognisable on their shock appearance later on. You'd think the Zombies would finish what's in front of them before making a move on their next prey.

  This question did get me thinking and I do have a few answers (opinions) for you. I couldn't settle on just one so I've put them in order of my favourite to least favourite.


*They can't swallow (heh.)
   Think about The Traditional Zombie, in the sense that they reanimate because a small section of their brain continues to function, the section that contains the very primal instincts for survival. Essentially the reason they're so fucking bro hungry all the time. On that merit, the rest of the Zombies body is dead and no longer functioning. I doubt they can swallow, and even if they can, they are most certainly no longer able to break down food. Therefore what they do eat simply piles up in their mouths/throats until they can fit no more in. I spreckon a sort of frustration kicks in over the fact that their hunger is not being sated and they move on in search of a more nourishing treat. Plausible, no?


*They're not cannibals (irony, right)
   It's the bite that brings you back but first you have to die. Even while being snacked on, it does take a little time to bleed out and a little while more after that to start mumbling "brains". Perhaps once the Zombies realise that what they're feasting on is actually one of their Zombros, they 'think' (buhuhaha *wipes tear away*) better of it.


*They're more interested in the chase
   Zombies are meant to regress into animals. Well. That's the social satire side of it anyway, you know, the devolution of man (super serial post on the subject incoming) and all that jazz. Whenever I've seen a dog take down a rabbit, a cat down a bird or my hamster attack my ex girlfriend they very rarely stick around after to eat their victims... It's just in their nature to hunt.


I hope they sated your question anyway bro!

Bottom Line: When a buddy goes down, or you cap Otis in the leg to cover your escape, don't hang around. The Zombie is a fussy eater and it won't take long for him to decide that you look the tastier option. Get the fuck out of there!

Slay Safe,
Merke

Would it be a good idea to take refuge in a castle during the coming Zombie Apocalypse?

Would it be a good idea to take refuge in a castle during the coming Zombie Apocalypse?
*Question submitted by Mr C

   Built to withstand an onslaught from heavily armed gents who want to beat on your face - and not in a good way - surely a castle has all the essentials? Big walls, deep moats, iron gates and a 360° view of the surrounding area. They're often museums these days and would contain plenty of maintained weaponry (I'd LOVE to try out a flail) so you could go medieval on some asses. Should a break-in occur, castles tend to have plenty of secret passageways to escape through, ones that often lead a fair distance before emerging. Having a way out of your home away from home is essential.

   That means it ticks all the boxes?

Behold: The Flail

 
   Perhaps half a millennia ago. The problem is that most are now ruins. Meaning there are holes, often big holes, for Zombies to ninja-zombie in. I doubt the portcullis mechanisms are still working. Although stocked with some essentials (FLAIL!) it is unlikely there will be food nearby as castles tend to be quite rural.
   If the walls and gates are still intact then it's a very reasonable idea. It could be used as a haven, though my immediate suggestion to you is to set up some kind of rope ladder or pulley system. This will get you and your rekill-hungry posse in and out over the walls, thereby avoiding that danger of opening the front door. Once they're in, they're in. And as good as castles are at keeping people out, they're fantastic at keeping them in too.

   There's a book called Zombie Britannica by Thomas Emson. I'll try not to reveal too many spoilers but there's a castle in it... Told you I wouldn't reveal too much. The characters are a little one-dimensional but hey, it's literature with a Zombie theme. ;) What do you expect?

Bottom Line: Don't pick a random one if you're set on the idea. Scout it out now, take note of the layout, and most importantly make sure you can secure it. If the flaws I've highlighted above aren't issues with your selected house-of-awesome then go for it!

Slay safe,
Merke






 

Friday 21 September 2012

Outpost II: Black Sun Review

Film: Outpost: Black Sun
Director: Steve Barker
Actors: Richard Coyle, Clive Russell, Michael Byrne, Catherine Steadman
Release: August, 2012

My Rating: 5/10*

   What could be better than an influx of Nazi Zombies to the film industry? The answer, my friends, is nothing and Outpost II follows the first as we join our favourite group of stab-happy Storm Troopers be, well, stab-happy. I was tingling with excitement bordering arousal when I stumbled across it in a local shop. I found the first one, despite a few niggling flaws, intensely enjoyable. So how did it's descendant get up and shamble?

   It certainly carries the torch for the first: unstoppable Nazi Zombies? Check. Horribly stereotypical (this time British) soldiers? Check. A hog-tied, slapped-around-a-bit version of the Unified Field Theory to explain this conundrum? Yeah that's still in there! There's a fantastic return to that damned bunker that makes me think of World At War and even that creepy bitch from Insidious makes an appearance.

   It deserves a quick mention that Outpost: Black and it's predecessor are both relatively low-budget films but as the audience you won't notice; the costumes, sounds and scenes are all brilliantly built and modelled to be intense but believable.

   I think I'll just cut to the chase with this one - I didn't like it. I wanted to, really I did, but I didn't. And I can tell you why. I think, if you completely removed the female lead and her storyline from every scene, even the ones with dialogue, it would be a better film. Her part in the grand scheme of things was tacked on. It didn't drive the story regarding our very hungry bros. She was looking for the mastermind behind it all. A man who gets possibly two minutes of screen time at best. The only use to come of that plot line is the nice cliffhanger and how it paves the way for another film. Well, kind of  paves the way. I didn't care enough about her crap to be excited for things to come... I'm not saying I don't care about Nazis... And the holocaust... I'm just saying that... She... Urgh damn it! I know I could say this in a number of ways and I'd just be burying myself (point of information: get cremated) further but the point I'm trying to make is that she lacked the presence to be the main character...

   Oh, and expect a cameo from Darth Sidious.

   Bottom line: If you're a fan of the first one, watch it, but don't hold out too much hope. I've found from my feedback that this film is definitely hit and miss. For me it was miss but who knows, you might love it.



Monday 27 August 2012

ZombieLand Rules

I watched this immense film again today. Having a set code, or a list of rules, IS a far better way of going about things than an exact plan. It is impossible to plan for every situation and every scenario that will befall us come Z-Day. To have a set of guidelines will aid you in this.

The Zombieland list (below) is incomplete but the ones we do see are all very good tips. Over the next week or so I'll add my own and see what's left at the end!

Rule #1: Cardio
- Fatties are the first to go.
Rule #2: Double Tap
- Ankle chewers are just evil leprechauns. 
Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms
- Go as nature intended!
Rule #4: Seatbelts
- Just safer, even after the end of the world.
Rule #7: Travel Light
- You still need to be faster than the fatties.
Rule #17: Do/Don't be a Hero
- Chicks dig heroes/Who needs women, anyway?
Rule #18: Limber Up
- The gazelle didn't limber up. That was the problem.
Rule #22: When In Doubt, Know Your Way Out
- If you're in a maze, you're fucked.
Rule #31: Check The Back Seat
- Nothing worse than a hungry hitch-hiker.
Rule #32: Enjoy The Little Things
- It's in the pre-apocalypse list too!

Slay Safe,
Merke

Thursday 23 August 2012

Journal Page #42

#42

Whoever finds this will know I'm a fucking idiot that made a ridiculous mistake. I blocked the door with a desk and filing cabinet but, judging how many bangs and scratches there are on the other side, it might not do much good. I'd say it's hard to believe that two inches of cheap wood is all that separates me from being dinner, but it isn't. The irony of it is I came here looking for food. All I can do now is sit, and wait, and hope they get distracted by something, anything...

Wednesday 22 August 2012

That Dreaded First Post

Hello, non-existent readers! My name is Merke ('The Merke Man', 'Sir. Awesome', 'Damn-He-Hot!' are all acceptable alternatives) and welcome to Kicking Arse and Eating Brains.

An awesome introduction post is a requirement to any blog and K.A.E.B is no exception. I only expect to see you here if you're trolling through the post history, bored and lonely in life, wondering through the internet timeline, searching for some source of anything to tide over your procrastination. Well, here it is for you, and I've even structured it in a nice Q&A style for your reading benefit. Sit back, crack open a Dr. Pepper, and enjoy.


Who are you, Merke?

I think the most modest way to sum me up would be to say that I am the embodiment of awesome... Next question! ... What do you mean that isn't enough =( Damnittt!
Fine fine. I'm a gamer currently living in the south of England. At the time of writing, I work as a barman on my weekends and study hard (pff. yeah!) during the weeks at university. I like moonlit walks along the beach, getting caught in the rain, and Dr. Pepper...

Kicking Arse and Eating Brains?

Well, the name idea was actually my friends who said the "kicking ass and taking names" line. I thought a little deviation from the norm was needed, especially to make it relate to the actual theme of the blog. What is the theme? The undead in all their glory. The shamblers, crawlers, stumblers, unarmed (Oh he's got an arm off!!!) and even the evil running fuckers. The reason for starting is that I've been plagued (see what I did there?) by zombie nightmares for the last few weeks and I wanted a place to perhaps jot a few of them down. They may be handy to analyse and integrate into my survival tactics... It's funny, because I'm not even joking... =D

Aims?

Ideally, I want to have a new post up every other day, with one larger post containing a story or something similar, once a week. Once I have millions of readers, we could try some give-aways, competitions and the like, before we all band together for domination of... A small, uninhabited island somewhere. Yeah...


=D Ultimately, I'll write regardless of if it's read or not. Though thank you to anyone that takes the time out to read my ramblings; I hope it brings some sunshine to your life... Heh. Heh. 

Slay Safe,
Merke